Balancing the need to be “me” with the need to be “we”: Applying Optimal Distinctiveness Theory to the understanding of multiple motives within romantic relationships

Two distinct tensions can arise between individualsʹ relational-fulfillment and personal-fulfillment needs in close relationships. The first tension is a conflict of potential behaviors and arises between serving the relationship by meeting oneʹs partnerʹs needs versus serving the self by meeting oneʹs/own needs (e.g., your versus my needs). The second tension is a conflict of potential identities and arises between needs to identify as embedded within the relationship versus a unique individual (e.g., relational versus individual me). Although much work has explored how individuals navigate the former, little research has examined the latter. The present research applied Optimal Distinctiveness Theory (ODT; Brewer, 1991), a theory of dynamic identity processes in groups, to examine how individuals balance individual versus relational identities. We predicted that, just as individuals negotiate their social identities within groups to satisfy both affiliation and distinctiveness needs, individuals in romantic relationships strive to balance similar needs at the dyadic level. We predicted that when individualsʹ needs for affiliation were satisfied, they would emphasize their individual identity over their relational identity. We also predicted that fluctuation in these perceptions reflects satisfaction of individual identity needs within the relationship and would not influence relationship quality. Four studies supported these hypotheses.